i feel like a faliure

this song is how i feel. actually.

i've been continously having these thoughts over the last maybe... 3 years, about my life and how it's going. at first i thought "oh it's okay, im only 19 really!" and then it progressed into "oh im only 20, it's okay!". now im 21 and i cant even cope anymore. but at the same time i don't even know if its cope!!!!!

i know realistically that the average person isn't supposed to have their life all worked out but my age, but it feels completely futile nowerdays; this is probably the product of the internet, me being constantly on it or surfing it, but i can't help but feel this way.
but at the same time, almost all of my irl friends seem to have their lives sorted out; jobs, finished / went to university, hell they even have boyfriends or experience romance in abundance! and then there's me... never had a boyfriend, yet to have my first kiss or anything of the sort, no job, broke bum-- alright ill stop with the self pity.
what im trying to say is, i feel like im in this hole that i don't see myself getting out of in this day and age-- i did finish college a couple years ago, but my degree seems pretty much useless; i'm no longer in contact with any of the friends i went to college with par like... 1, one of them even have a baby now lol, how insane is life.
college was okay, but also not really...? i went to an all girls secondary school, and ended up being the only female in my college class for 2 years, so you can imagine what that did to my mental inwardly. hearing from classmates / friends that said boy likes me, said boy talking about my body in a way that made me uncomfortable, it's still stuck with my until today and that was when i was like 16? crazy. i know it kinda contradicts the whole "oh i've never experienced romance before" BUT in my defense, the people who did happen to 'like me' besides one guy that i feel bad about, [i was just too scared to say anything] were all genuine reddit mod caliber of people. im good off that.
since then i've had my friends from secondary school thank god, even if we don't see eachother all the time [i need to go out more and genuinely try, because i love them dearly even if i dont say it], and a few online friends-- though a lot less than i used to back in the good ol days... anyways.

i really wish i could make more friends, but it feels almost impossible nowerdays, that's one of the reasons i wanted to make my website and host it on nekoweb / neocities honestly, hoping to be within a community once more, since i do have a lot of interests that i feel some people could relate with ! ^_^;
it's hard though. i feel like im constantly within a depressive state where i sit between "im okay how i am" and "i genuinely need to kill myself".
i know a lot of people are like "just get hobbies"... I HAVE TOSE !!! A GOOD FEW ACTUALLY, but it doesn't help when you feel like your life is moving past you, especially when you're not exactly someone who's come from "money" if yk what i mean. i cant just... go to theses cool places without notice, i don't have an influx of money i can just take from, no job, social anxiety born from just not really being out too often anymore... it's tough. i'm also just not confident in my body image, but... i don't want to change what i look like entirely.
i've always been on the 'bigger' side, maybe not that large but, i've never been 'skinny' or 'slim', and in this current say, seeing on social media how it genuinely feels like you have cancer if you're not on the slimmer side, it hurts quite a lot...! i feel like i deserve love too, but my brain keeps telling me it's probably because of how i look, how i am, my size; and there hasn't exactly been anyone to tell me different; i don't crave romance, but it would be nice to be liked in a manner that isn't just "friendly" , hell let's flirt it out i'm down :3, someone i can call on to play games with me, talk whenever.. im so down.

also dating apps scare me. sorry. it just seems so unreal and rejection might make me end it all quite frankly. gulp.
so hey this is a psa to anyone who's made it this far if any... if u wanna be friends... my discord is keiism...
[can you tell i just remembered about the bold tag XD]
there's so many more issues in my mind but that's for another time. -keiism.